The Month That Was - September

This particular ‘month that was post’ is quite unlike the previous few happy, filled to the brim with engagements that I have to write a post kinds. The irony is not lost on me. September was my birthday month. And many things were supposed to have happened – the very air should have tingled a bit, the flowers to bloom a bit more and you know and the earth should have tilted in its axis a bit.

In dread of faltering

 But I started the month with a melancholy state of mind that just wouldn’t pass. Try as I might, I couldn’t shake off the feeling of uselessness and over-ratedness of the very act of living a life. The questions juts kept coming, unchecked, unwarranted...what have I achieved so far, what is there to show of 39 years on this earth, have I utilized my intelligence and smartness to the fullest, where does this motley group of friends with their idiosyncrasies and uniqueness figure in the larger picture of my life, am I setting the right goals for Anakutti, am I too uninterested about her upbringing or am I too hands on to the point of being interfering etc etc.

This rang true for me

I knew most of the thoughts were overblown by my overactive imagination; also knew that these wouldn’t figure if my spirits were high...like right now :-D But at that time, they crippled me. I snapped at S, who snapped back seemingly bewildered by the sudden change in my demeanour, tried snapping at mother only to be bitten back black and blue by the wily lady who couldn’t care a dime’s worth about my moodiness, cleverly turning the whole episode into her being the injured party; I couldn’t snap at Ana kutti as she was down with a bad viral and had a tough time taking a clear breath without me pushing my moodiness onto her face.  My beasties ermmm besties were preoccupied – one was attending a wedding in US, one was nursing a broken heart, one was busy with her new role as a play school administrator and proprietor, one was busy with the birth of her daughter...in other words they were unreachable at the moment.

Maybe a bit too much for my own liking

Ironically it was a busy month for me as far as work was concerned and it should logically have left me with little time to muse on these troubling, useless thoughts. But I did indulge and wallow in them and slowly I felt as if my body reacted to the dullness of the mind. I too ended up having a viral which led to an agonizing body pain. It helped alleviate other thoughts from mind, mercifully, but it brought my busy work schedule to a grinding halt. The viral played hide and seek with me – one day increasing my body temperature to a 101F and the very next day leaving me to feel reasonably fit – fit enough for me to honour a few assignments. And then the B-day came along. I felt fighting fit after a course of antibiotics and hosted the usual shenanigans at home.

The stars seemed to shine bright around the time of the birthday it seemed, as this raggedy bunch of people who I have come to feel as my own surprised me with delightful trinkets and gifts. The husband who I've grouched at for not getting me a cake for any of my birthdays, made arrangements for one chocolatey delight. And one of my darling brothers, who generally needs a huge banner and very obvious signs to remind him of the birthday, remembered the day and had sent a sweet message with a cash voucher to boot. Ta-da, the fever and the gloomy thoughts suddenly took a back seat.

Try telling that to yourself when you are down!

I have probably said this before too. You reap what you sow. I have forever taken my relationships with my loved ones very seriously and in the bargain experience the pain and the insecurities that is expected when giving your trust to someone and having it flung back in your face because of some misunderstanding or action or the other. The ups and the downs of any relationship can’t be denied, but what matters is the bouncing back and the need to bounce back into the relationship, which I try and do. It helps that I tend to forget slights and episodes very easily, so grudges are hard to keep. (Yay! One brownie point there). The big-day had reaffirmed my feelings on the one thing that I have invested time in. As I looked at the faces of the people who have been with me for over a decade now, I could feel the cloak of moodiness slowly ease off; it still lingered but not as the all consuming thing it had been since the beginning of the month, instead it was a more manageable, stoic reminder of what life can truly mean. My last 39 years in this world may not amount to much by way of obvious achievements of some ambitious dreams, but at least it has given me an insight into the gift of human interaction and its myriad challenges. Whether it is of any great use or not, time will tell. Till then, I was determined to enjoy the ups and not waste too much time on the downs.

The downs came a bit too soon in September, as promptly I fell sick after the birthday. And to add a bit more karmic weight to the month’s predilection to desolation and gloominess, I had a minor accident that shook me badly and rendered my left arm useless for a short while. When I dialled mum’s number, trying hard to keep the tears back and ask her to come over for a few days as I wanted help, I realised that perhaps that was another big part of the my disconsolate feeling. I missed mummy. I missed all things that were associated with her presence in my life especially on all big milestones, (ahem, birthdays being one of course). I have come to depend on her for having a night out or a special dinner/lunch with S while she baby sat Ana kutti, that didn’t happen. I have come to depend on her prayers and wishes on my birthday with a warm, tight hug to boot, have come to depend on her trying to make the day special for me in her own way. Since she was away during that time, attending a wedding in Kerala, I couldn’t soak in all that love. The days preceding her departure and the days when she wasn’t here were especially glum. She was back and things began to look up again. She was back in my life, badgering me, bugging me, nagging me, arguing with me and generally being a big pain, but for all the world I don’t think I would like that to change between us. 

This song from the movie 'Secret Superstar' is the next "Mumma" song as far as odes to mothers go. Music director is  my fav fav Amit Trivedi. The timing of this song is too good. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4I2H6Mulc0

So that has been my month. I am still harbouring a nagging pain in my left arm – a reminder of the bleak feelings that assailed me last month. But it has made me thankful for the present month with all its fun and festive moments.

Happy Festive Season!

Happy festive season friends! I pray that the good lord blesses you and your family with lots of happy moments with near and dear ones, moments that you will cherish all your life and which when you look back on seem more precious than the most priceless thing you own. At that time, I hope the smiles come on in waves.