Valentine's Day and Dealing with 'Abundance of Choices'

No other day in the life of a cupid-struck person comes loaded with pressure than the one that falls on 14^th February. Valentine’s day is and will be a major commercial jamboree for years to come. People who are in love, who might be in love, who suspect they have a chance in love are going to make this day matter. And as long as that happens, the celebrations and the pressure of that day is going to build up. In the rush to be a part of it, it is easy to forget the true essence of the day. Valentine’s Day celebrates love, rightfully so. It is of course infamous for being the day you ask a loved one to marry you or may want to know if the status of the relationship has progressed to the next level (whatever that might be). A married couple may need that day to appreciate the other’s presence and so on. Yes, these milestones needn’t necessarily have to fall on the 14^th of February every year, but a day set aside to nudge you to do something that can enhance your life is a welcome surely.

The profusion of hearts and candies can be quite overwhelming, I admit.

In addition to the hullaballoo surrounding the day, I expect a lot of snarky blog posts and articles about the silliness of it all and how over-rated it is to be in love with someone. And there will be a few singles posting their thoughts (read, sarcastic, nose-wrinkly posts) on the sad lives of their ‘believing’ friend and the sweet moments of being single and of the many options it presents. I don’t begrudge people’s opinion on the wastefulness and hype surrounding Valentine’s Day; it is only when someone tries to put down something as sweet and nice as falling in love can be or poo poohs the need to commit, that gets my gall. I wrote this post last year well after Valentines and I still stand by it. It is not a day to trivialize. 

I salute all those who choose to fall in love against all odds in this day and time. I salute those who believe in finding the one, enduring to kiss a million frogs in the bargain. I salute all those who are still in love and working at their relationships. I salute all those who don’t hesitate to say that yes, I love this man or woman and I can’t live without him/her. I salute all those who have not given in to the burden of choices and have been happy with finding THE ONE. I salute the very love that encompasses all of us, that sooner or later would touch all lives however snarky or disbelieving they might be.

The pressure the day presents to a hopeful lover or partner however is another thing altogether.  After months of dating it should be a forgone conclusion about what the future with your significant other might look like. So the pressure to receive a response that one wants, should be less right? Wrong. More often these days, the response one expects and the one they receive are totally at loggerheads. And why would that happen? A partner you came across on Tinder might not respond to your proposal because they might want to check out other fish in the sea. So too can a person you might have been chatting up on social media can end up two timing. Did you read the signals wrong? Did they think it was a stop-gap situation or perhaps a fun hook up or a purely physical arrangement? The mindboggling array of choices that are available to people who are dating these days, can ring the death knell of a simple, uncomplicated hook-up.

Choices are about freedom, but they can also be stress inducing

Choices make life easy for the busybody, working his/her butt at work, sitting up past his/her circadian cycle, making the most of the time away from work. We have order-in menus, online shopping, digital media to keep us entertained in our own private cocoon, social media to catch up with friends and family. And since we are talking about relationships, there are online dating apps and websites too; many matrimonial sites actually are a hotspot for picking up a casual fling under the guise of searching for a life partner.

So many things to choose from. Image courtesy:Disabilityservicesconsulting.com

We have choices within choices as well. So we have got Zomato, Swiggy and Food Panda to name a few to order food from, aside from the option of calling up restaurants and ordering directly. There’s Amazon, Flipkart, Myntra, Jabong for online shoppers. Matrimony websites, dating websites and apps, Facebook, Snapchat…you get the drift. Also we got a new kid on the block – Tinder, which promises to get you a date, even in bashful India. So in settling down with the right partner or in the happily ever after, is the villain truly the availability of choices? 

My answer would be a ‘yes’. Let me quote a simple example from my life. I like online shopping. More often than not, when I don’t have a pressing need but have an itch to perhaps upgrade my wardrobe, I find myself checking hundreds and hundreds of pictures of clothes, wish listing them, sometimes even putting them in my cart, but mostly never making the purchase. In pursuing the object that I wanted, I get so carried away with the multitude of choices that I feel at a loss to decide which one to buy. And when I do buy the dress at all, I second guess my choice and take comfort in the fact that I can return it within 7 or 15 days. I shudder to think how this would translate in a dating scenario where the choices are plenty. It seems so easy to dump and move on these days or worse still to never have to make a choice at all. With apps giving access to thousands of profiles of interested people from all over the world, it is going to be hard to resist the temptation of choices. Imagine, just when one thinks that he/she is quite a match, on comes another profile with a different set of characteristics that might match.

In the good old days, when our reach was only as far as a handsome or cute cousin who we waited with bated breath to meet during summer vacations or at a wedding, or a smart, nice guy or girl in the building or a crush in school, the burden of choice rested on the fruitfulness of the time invested but never on having to choose from a wide range of hitherto unknown people.

Experts say that having too many similar choices can be a burden as it makes decision making hard and it mentally drains us. According to Frederick Muench PH D in his article “The Burden of Choice: Why choices wreak havoc with happiness” – We are left perpetually wondering: "What did I miss?" "Would I be happier if I had chosen a different option?" Each time we question our happiness, feel a sense of emptiness, or find fault in a choice we have made, we are made aware that other choices exist and believe that these "alternatives" may offer a solution to our existential quandaries.  

I truly love this one from Quote Master

Wow! Bang on. Isn’t that how we feel most of the times when bombarded with choices? So what can be done to counter this situation? Perhaps by simply being satisfied with what we have and not try second guessing our choice should help things a bit. The trick is to listen to your gut and seal the deal. If there is that one person for you and you have put your all in the relationship to make it work and take it to a desired conclusion (marriage, live in, proclamation of love) then you fight for that relationship and work for it selflessly. But most of all, limit the choices you can have and make a decision based on your happiness quotient. Hopefully this Valentine’s or any other important day in your life will be less-stressful and more result oriented.

Happy Valentine’s Day!