Committed - Part I

I have been reading ‘Committed – a love story’ by Elizabeth Gilbert, of ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ fame. I love that lady’s books. She has a way of writing stories which I have always been meaning to write. She beat me to it…that woman! Ok just kidding. Aside from the small fact that if I wrote a book the only number of copies it would sell would probably be a grand number of probably 5; I don’t think I have the energy to plough through so many thoughts and insecurities of mine in order to come up with a logical story like what she has written. Still, it is a subject of marriage. And anyone tracking the lives of married people will note the number of contradictions that exist in this complex, living, thriving relationship. Which is what seems to be evident in her book too and it was with a bit of disappointment that I read the end of the book. It was hardly an ending, more a confused summing up of facts. But then I realized one could never come to a logical conclusion about this institution called marriage.

My life seems to resemble somewhat with what she is going through. Both S and I are facing our second marriage and the age difference between us is a good twenty years. We are planning to have a child and start a life, at a time when people think of retiring and seeing their children get married. Believe me this book is for people like me. The reason why I still haven’t had a nervous breakdown considering the situation is because I love the guy and he loves me.

Now if Liz Gilbert is right, and I know that she is, then love alone is not going to help us to go through the trials and tribulations of a married life especially with the changing scenario – woman earning as much and even more than a man who until a decade ago was the rightful bread winner, woman having excellent social life herself and not having to depend on ‘getting along’ with husbaand’s friends or colleagues or their wives, woman voicing out their thoughts more naturally and expecting equal rights, children being up for adoption and being born through artificial means thereby bypassing the sperm donor’s role in the marriage etc etc. Now tell me, why then should one marry a man… or a woman for that matter? Wouldn’t a nice pet suffice?

Read on, for her point of view on why she would like to remain married to her loved one. Some points which I found interesting in Chapter two and which at a deeper level, even I agree I have accounted here. But in this chapter she merely lays a foundation to her cause.

1. Marriage and Expectation:

• Comparing a Western woman’s life with that of a Hmong woman’s (an isolated proud ethnic minority, whom she came across on her visit to Vietnam) it’s learnt that marriage is not the center of a Hmong woman’s emotional biography as against a western woman’s whose spouse might probably be the single most vivid representation of her personality (how true)



• “The Hmong women perhaps don’t believe that love needed to play a role in the actual reasons for marrying.” The word pragmatic marriages is introduced here by the author. Coming from an ancient country like India, that word is hardly new to me. People marry for wealth, honor, title, blood line, ancient customs etc. But the present generation is more into marrying for love than for the above reasons. Still, the supporters of such pragmatic marriages are plenty. In my case, my own brothers, belonging to the current generation, couldn’t fathom me marrying for love…that too a guy belonging to another caste…that too a Hindu…that too a guy who was years older than me. Er...I guess it's a tall order for anyone.


• As a modern American woman she feels that she would not trade her life with a Hmong woman and thereby give up her life of individualistic yearnings. Like most human beings when shown the options, one always opts for more choices in life. Problem was: some become limp from indecision, some get derailed from life’s journey and some others become compulsive comparers. And that was what I feared was a problem with me for a long time. Deep down I knew that I had so many choices in life and that if one didn’t work I could always opt for another. But for how long? And by doing so, was I letting go of a brilliant man or a fabulous opportunity? I had to live with that indecision. And now I am clear that this guy may not be the perfect guy but he is the perfect one for me.



• “But the Hmong bride almost always receives on her wedding day one critical gift…and that is the gift of certainty.” Sometimes it works, mostly I guess it doesn't. Yep. Isn't this happening in India too. There are countless girls who get married because that is the only option given to them. I was one of those girls when I first married at 25 years. I had to marry a Muslim guy from a Malayali family. Of course it didn’t work for me. The guy fitted my parents’ and relatives’ bill of a suitable guy but we were the most unsuitable couple as far as my educated mind could process. So why did I agree? Perhaps I was just not ready for marriage at that time or perhaps I trusted my parents and thought this was the best among the choices given to me. To this date I haven’t been able crack it.



• And she sums up that chapter with – Hmong would consider life as hard work or work as hard work. But marriage? Not really. Marriage becomes hard work when you have poured the entirety of your life’s expectations and happiness into the hands of one mere person.

How true. And that perhaps is what it is all about. I know for sure that my marriage is going to be one real hard work. And most importantly, I think I want to work hard to make this marriage work. Real hard.